I spend every single day so frustrated with everything until I am pushed over the edge and I cry and I cry and I cry and I take fistfuls of my hair and I pull and I bite my knuckles until they are raw and bleeding and I scratch and I scratch and I scratch and I throw up and I still feel so angry and I go outside and sit in the silence and I chain smoke by the fire and I hate the sound of laughter coming from the garage because I don’t understand it and I am dizzy and I still feel so sick and I throw up until there is nothing left and then I finally feel a sense of calm but really I think I just stop feeling anything at all and I still can’t stop crying and I lie under the covers knowing full well I will be unable to sleep with such rage pulsing through my veins but I will not feel sorry for myself and I will just keep my eyes closed and pretend that nothing else exists